this weekend i had such an independent weekend. one of the best/worst qualities about me is that i am extremely selfish in the way that i literally walk away from plans and the whole world sometimes to do things on my own. the thing is, i enjoy being alone and i enjoy exploring by myself. most of people don’t understand that about me. especially my waiter currently.
about ten minutes ago, i walked into my favorite cafe in new canaan called, Le Pain Quotidien (also known as ‘that le pain place in town”). it’s a dream. i wish they were all over because it’s so quaint and classy and the food is AH-MAZING. anyways I walk in and sit down at this table… alone, ready to DO WORK. then this host comes over and asks “are you waiting for someone else?” i say,”nope… just me”. Then my waiter comes and says, “just you today, or are you waiting for someone else?” so, i again repeat myself that no, no i am alone. he then smirked and said, “do you want something to drink? a glass, how about a bottle of wine to keep you company, since you’re alone today.”
so here i am. alone. while everyone around me is in good company enjoying coffee, tea and organic food – i am enjoying my own company of me, myself and a 2nd mimosa. and you know what, mimosas are the best company because they don’t ask questions or judge, mimosa’s understand.
the older i get, the more comfortable i am being alone and on my own. that’s not to say that i don’t enjoy company or get lonely because i do, absolutely. however i also know that i am strong enough to be on my own for now. i’m not afraid to make mistakes or get lost on my own does that make sense?
where is this all coming from? i’ll tell you. being alone this weekend, i had lots and lots of time to think about my life and what i am doing. ready?
I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING.
I don’t. no clue. a part of me feels so behind and lost because the people i surround myself with have so much drive, potential and are motivated to begin their careers, continue school, settle down into their relationships, a new home, etc. I feel as if i’m so far behind and that worries me. i’d say a big part of who i am is that i’m fearless of a lot things. i don’t ever think things through, i just do, go and figure it out. i usually pride myself in that quality. i feel as if it’s rare to find others who are just as fearless. lately though, i’ve been worrying about my next step. it’s making me feel almost stuck in time – that i don’t know where i’m going or what i’m doing. a part of me feels scared to have it figured out. for some reason,i associate having it figured out with being settled down. i literally shut down at the thought of having a career, a family, a home, etc. and for some reason society makes me feel that feeling that way is wrong. why is that?
before you jump to conclusions, i know, it’s perfectly ok to take time to figure it out and take time off to travel etc. but you know what – a lot of people I know are well on their way to figuring it out. while they are preparing for tomorrows work day, filling out job applications, school applications, planning their weddings, writing papers for graduate school and studying, here I am – downing mimosa’s, taking breaks from this post to google the last time justin bieber and selena gomez were scene together and watching drake videos (this is a good one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBDlTtST53A). who am i?
I worry all the time here and have no idea what i am going to do when this is over. i worry about finding work, my age, my future, my family, friends, like anyone else. Worrying doesn’t define me, and it’s not something i do on a regular basis but this weekend, I did. I think i speak for all of us though when I say, we worry – it’s only human