today’s post is a big one, i’m telling you. my hope is that is connects with you somehow. alright, here we go folks.
actually, for a few weeks now i’ve been trying to get myself to post this. every single day i’ve been trying to get to the root of my feelings and surroundings. if you haven’t caught on yet – i deal with how i’m feeling through writing. i am constantly writing. not only in my blog, but in my journal, or writing letters to people, or to no one, messaging people or sending e-mails. recently i’ve been having such a hard time writing. i have been at a loss of words and let me tell you – that is rare. each night i’ve been sitting and staring at this white screen feeling so much frustration with myself as i couldn’t figure out how i was feeling, i couldn’t find the words.
one of my new year resolutions was to focus more on me. before you go and call me selfish, hear me out. i think it’s important to be in tune with yourself. it’s important to recognize your needs and your wants and that is something i struggle with. think of your passion in life. maybe it’s running, listening to music, cooking, kids, business, film, or maybe it’s traveling or knitting. what’s the one thing that drives you?
people. people are my passion. people are what drive me and what make me go, they always have been. it may sound silly to some, how can you be passionate about people? well, i am. i’m passionate about every single person. i strive to understand each and every person that comes my way. i am determined to learn about every human being that i cross paths with and build some sort of relationship with them. i’m an enthusiast, and know every person is capable of being the best version of themselves. i often describe myself as a good listener. honestly, i love to listen – not just hear, or be there pretending but whole heart open, open minded and eyes on you listening. i even took a class called ‘listening’ in college. yup, there is a college course called ‘listening’ that exists. i also studied “human development and family studies” at UW-Stout. literally studied the growth — physically, emotionally and intellectually of an individual from womb to the tomb and how a person is shaped by families, communities and society. i’m fascinated with figuring out exactly what drives a person to reach their full potential. i put a lot of my energy into helping others see that potential they have and how to utilize their strengths and rise from their weaknesses.
so. where am i going with this?
well, because of this passion of mine, i get very caught up in everyone else and don’t focus on me. i’m telling you – i get so wrapped up in everyone else and how they are feeling, that i often adapt those feelings without even knowing it. have you read my last posts about being lost? maybe i’m lost because i’m so wrapped up in my friends, family, other people and what they are doing.
the light bulb turns on. 🙂
my new year resolution was to stop that. not stop being passionate about people, but to stop putting myself on hold and to become in tune with myself. that’s where my rut came in. i couldn’t get in tune with myself. i didn’t know how i was feeling or where i stood. i felt stuck. so, i started to practice yoga.
i’ve practiced yoga for almost five years. it’s a powerful vehicle for change. once you start to build strength, you start to believe in your own potential and reach your goals. i made a promise to myself this January to really practice yoga as a tool to become in tune. until now, i practiced yoga for physical benefits and a way to escape, but not to be in tune with myself which in fact, is the hardest part of yoga. if you try yoga and your mind is anywhere but the present – you need yoga more than you need anything else. and so did i.
so last night you guys, i had the most amazing practice. i had been feeling so run down lately, tiered and just stuck but no idea where these feelings came from and my body was feeling so cramped up it was begging me to go. every Wednesday night i do yoga with Natasha (Wednesday night yoga may or may not be my favorite night to do yoga only because of the cutie pie working the front desk at the gym who makes my heart skip a few beats each time by saying, “hey look, Minnesota is here!!” and then i usually proceed to immediately turn bright red and scurry away. if you have what’s called ‘game’ – you should teach me), but this week we had a sub – Emily. Emily, girl – you changed my life.
It took me about half way through the class to really get into my practice, which was a clear indication i was in the right place. i was so frustrated with myself as I couldn’t get into any of my poses, i couldn’t calm my mind or be the moment. i was all over the place when i eventually got in the state of anger. i couldn’t find myself being able to engage. sort of like how i had been feeling with my life lately. about half way through emily told us to be in downward facing dog . usually in a yoga practice downward facing dog isn’t a hold you hold for very long as it is more of a transition position. this particular downward dog seemed to last forever – heads started to look up and turn as we all were wondering why we were here for so long. it was at that moment emily said:
“feel the way you feel and surrender to that feeling.”
i then lost it. i’m talking full on tears running down my cheeks. a complete mess. a baby. loud, obnoxious sniffling. at first i was completley embarassed. as if anything more could go wrong in this yoga class, here i was crying. i then was at a loss. i had no clue where these feelings came from, or why i was crying. i was crying about nothing. i then realized i was feeling and that felt so good. so good, i continued to cry and at one point, i was smiling while crying – yeah, that happened. call me crazy.
those words jsut spoke to me, they were exactly what i needed. it felt so good to feel all of those emotions even if i didn’t understand them. everything i needed to feel this last month, i felt in that moment.
the rest of the practice i was in my zone. i’m not kidding you, i felt like i was on top of the world and could conquer anything – which i did… i finally mastered the crow pose to headstand. youtube it. i was in the moment and nothing else mattered and it felt incredibly liberating and freeing
ok ok. so how does this all pull together?
in yoga, once in tune with yourself – your body/mind tells you exactly what you need to do to accomplish a pose or state of mediation. just like in life – you’re body/mind knows what you need – we just have to listen. obviously, i haven’t been paying attention lately and it caught up with me. i get wrapped up in the way others are feeling and our relationship that i forget to feel how i feel about it. does that make sense? or worse, sometimes i don’t pay attention at all it’s like i am just in the moment and trying so hard to just do me, that i forget to pay attention to my needs.
am i feeling like i should be less passionate about people? absolutely not. no way. not for a second. am i saying that i was crying because i have been unhappy or sad? nah. what i’m saying is that i need to start becoming in tune with myself more and focus my energies on me and feeling the way i feel because really, how can i help others be the best they can be if i myself am not the best i can be.
we have to surrender to ourselves and we must listen to our needs, not wants, but needs to be able to help others. i need to work on not getting so wrapped up in others but rather find the balance between. yoga is about surprising yourself with all you can conquer once you conquer your mind. again same thing in life – once you become in tune with yourself you can easily be surprised with what you can conquer – we just have to listen.
if that was all over here is the point: feel the way you feel. surrender to controlling situations because in all actuality, we are in control. just like in yoga; you have to let go to conquer a move or position and without even knowing it, you’re in control. we can’t control who comes our way or what comes our way but we naturally control how we go about the journey. embrace that journey and be in tune with it. realize that you are here and you are alive. isn’t that in itself inspiring? you are you. let that sink in. yaaa, you feel that?
now embrace that. do you.